Just Cause I Can

Haven't done any of these in a while:

You Are a Crocodile

You are incredibly wise and knowledgeable. In fact, your wisdom is so deep that it sometimes consumes you. People are intrigued by you, but you find few people intriguing. You are not a very social creature. You are cunning. You enjoy deceiving people a little. You are able to find balance in your life, and you can survive anything.

What Reptile Are You?

You Are a Chocolate Shake

You are a total hedonist. You are drawn to pleasure. You are an expressive, over the top person. You're naturally dramatic. You're the type of person who always chooses quality over quantity. Life's too short to not have optimal experiences. You're proud of being picky.

What Flavor Shake Are You?

The Storm Before the Calm

Sooo...what's been going on? Not much, really. Getting married, buying an apartment, moving out, moving in. Shot two national spots last year, appeared in one play, working on a cabaret-style show, cut my hair (though I need to get it cut again now, funny how hair keeps growing).

That's about it.

It's sort of funny how all the New York bloggers I keep tabs on fell silent all at once, as if by some prearranged signal. Are any of you guys out there still? Drop me a line if you are. Or have they moved on to Twitter? I'll admit, I took a look at it (and might play with it if I pick up a phone that can type stuff a bit easier), but the one thing I was left wondering was: how do you find streams to follow? Maybe there's a magic button you get if you download it that shows you people's streams.

And then, really, do I want to be Tweeting? It seems so pedantic, so very much like this, which absolutely terrifies me.

In some ways, I suppose this is the same trend that's been going since the evolution of the modern novel (Woolf, Joyce, Proust, et al); the elevation of the everyday. But when you're fed a steady diet of the mundane, your soul hungers for more; it hungers for the epic, the struggle, the black and white. Where are these stories? Perhaps truly great epics only come along once a generation, or even less. Perhaps this explains the Harry Potter explosion, a story which I would not necessarily refer to as great, but one which is decent and entertaining, and certainly has many of the hallmarks of an epic (aside from 200 some-odd-pages of, "They're in the woods...they're still in the woods...there's still in the woods...nope, not out yet...OMGIT'SRONNOWTHEYCANLEAVETHEWOODS," which I suppose is comparable to, "Frodo and Sam have made it to Mordor...it's really hot...there's nothing to drink...they're really tired...and hot...and thirsty...now they're tired, hot and thirsty...man that ring is heavy...OMGHAIGOLLUM," but I tend to flip really quickly through that part, too).

On that note, I think that this is something I will be trying out this year.

I suppose I will flesh out some more details of my news at the top of this post another time. If I feel like it/get people asking about it.

Still Alive

Books? Who reads books?

1. Love in the Time of Cholera, Gabriel Garcia Marquez
2. Falling Man, Don DeLillo
3. The Best of H.P. Lovecraft, H. P. Lovecraft

I'll try to be more interesting tomorrow.

Star Light, Star Bright...

1. The Rebel Sell: Why the culture can't be jammed, Joseph Heath & Andrew Potter
2. The Complete Grimm's Fairy Tales, Jacob and Wilhelm Grimm
3. Rabbit, Run, John Updike
4. Everything is Illuminated, Jonathan Safran Foer
5. Fast Food Nation, Eric Schlosser
6. Middlemarch, George Eliot
7. The Code of the Woosters, P. G. Wodehouse
8. The Alchemist, Paulo Coelho
9. Anna Karenina, Leo Tolstoy
10. Genghis Khan and the Making of the Modern World, Jack Weatherford
11. Let Us Compare Mythologies, Leonard Cohen
12. The Sandman: The Wake, Neil Gaiman
13. The Sandman: Season of Mists, Neil Gaiman
14. The Dark Knight Returns, Frank Miller
15. The Sandman: The Doll's House, Neil Gaiman
16. The Sandman: The Kindly Ones, Neil Gaiman
17. Underworld, Don Delillo
18. The Sandman: Fables and Reflections, Neil Gaiman
19. The Sandman: Brief Lives, Neil Gaiman
20. Robert Kennedy and His Times, Arthur M. Schlesinger, Jr
21. The Sandman: Preludes and Nocturnes, Neil Gaiman
22. The Sandman: Dream Country, Neil Gaiman
23. The Sandman: A Game of You, Neil Gaiman
24. The Sandman: World's End, Neil Gaiman
25. The Sandman: Endless Nights, Neil Gaiman
26. The Dark Knight Strikes Again, Frank Miller
27. Book of Longing, Leonard Cohen
28. Different Seasons, Stephen King
29. Siddhartha, Hermann Hesse
30. The Essential Writings of Ralph Waldo Emerson, Ralph Waldo Emerson
31. Moneyball, Michael Lewis
32. American Pastoral, Philip Roth
33. Blood Meridian, Cormac McCarthy
34. The Fortress of Solitude, Jonathan Lethem
35. Steppenwolf, Herman Hesse
36. Orlando, Virgina Woolf
37. The Sound and the Fury, William Faulkner
38. Kitchen, Banana Yoshimoto
39. Lizard, Banana Yoshimoto
40. Hardboiled Hard Luck, Banana Yoshimoto
41. Mansfield Park, Jane Austen
42. The Golden Compass, Philip Pullman
43. An Unfinished Life: John F. Kennedy 1917-1963, Robert Dallek
44. Neverwhere, Neil Gaiman
45. Bluebeard, Kurt Vonnegut
46. Stardust, Neil Gaiman

Stardust has been made into a movie which'll be released soon. It's an excellent book; Gaiman is one of (if not the, though of course any such proclamation comes down to personal taste) best living fantasy writers. American Gods and Anansi Boys are ok, but I don't think they're as strong as the more "childlike" stories: the Sandman comics with which he made his name and the novels of his which I've read this year.

Auditions here have been starting to pick up. Since returning from Europe I worked a couple on my own, but in the last week I've gotten 3 from my agent; two commercials and one movie. Nothing spectacular, but it's something - now all I need to do is get cast in one of them. Silence so far leads me to believe that I probably didn't get any of them, but that's the way the cookie crumbles.

Next week I'll be starting a class at the Professional Actors Lab. It's been some time since I've been in a classroom setting and had someone picking my acting apart. Kinda nervous, but confident; based off of what I saw when I audited a class there, I think technique-wise I'm a bit ahead of most people who go. This is a good thing, but also a bad thing, as it might mean I'll have more habits to fight against.

Canadians = Phone 'Tards?

Since moving back, I have received, on average, 1 wrong number call per week. I do not seem to recall such a rate of calls in New York.

This morning, at 10 am, my phone buzzes with a text. I pick it up and read:

"Did u sleep well princess?"

It's from a number I don't have saved in my contacts, a 647 number (the newest GTA area code, which I think was added due to the explosion of cell phone numbers, Toronto getting its one after New York, which has 646 and which kind of confused me when I first saw the text because I thought it might have been someone in New York texting me. Anyways). I consider my options; hell, maybe it IS someone I know, someone who has a predilection for calling me Princess (which, I suppose, is not completely out of the realm of possibility). So I text back:

"Who is this?"

As of yet, I have received no response. I hope the anonymous sender is sufficiently chastised, and will, in the future, double check the number to which he is sending his sexy texts. Either that or LOSE SOME WEIGHT SO YOUR FAT FAT FINGERS DON'T HIT THE WRONG BUTTONS.

I'm not really angry about it, I just thought the caps looked kinda funny. Oh, yes, and happy day-after-Canada-Day. Hooray Canada!

Forgot One

1. The Rebel Sell: Why the culture can't be jammed, Joseph Heath & Andrew Potter
2. The Complete Grimm's Fairy Tales, Jacob and Wilhelm Grimm
3. Rabbit, Run, John Updike
4. Everything is Illuminated, Jonathan Safran Foer
5. Fast Food Nation, Eric Schlosser
6. Middlemarch, George Eliot
7. The Code of the Woosters, P. G. Wodehouse
8. The Alchemist, Paulo Coelho
9. Anna Karenina, Leo Tolstoy
10. Genghis Khan and the Making of the Modern World, Jack Weatherford
11. Let Us Compare Mythologies, Leonard Cohen
12. The Sandman: The Wake, Neil Gaiman
13. The Sandman: Season of Mists, Neil Gaiman
14. The Dark Knight Returns, Frank Miller
15. The Sandman: The Doll's House, Neil Gaiman
16. The Sandman: The Kindly Ones, Neil Gaiman
17. Underworld, Don Delillo
18. The Sandman: Fables and Reflections, Neil Gaiman
19. The Sandman: Brief Lives, Neil Gaiman
20. Robert Kennedy and His Times, Arthur M. Schlesinger, Jr
21. The Sandman: Preludes and Nocturnes, Neil Gaiman
22. The Sandman: Dream Country, Neil Gaiman
23. The Sandman: A Game of You, Neil Gaiman
24. The Sandman: World's End, Neil Gaiman
25. The Sandman: Endless Nights, Neil Gaiman
26. The Dark Knight Strikes Again, Frank Miller
27. Book of Longing, Leonard Cohen
28. Different Seasons, Stephen King
29. Siddhartha, Hermann Hesse
30. The Essential Writings of Ralph Waldo Emerson, Ralph Waldo Emerson
31. Moneyball, Michael Lewis
32. American Pastoral, Philip Roth
33. Blood Meridian, Cormac McCarthy
34. The Fortress of Solitude, Jonathan Lethem
35. Steppenwolf, Herman Hesse
36. Orlando, Virgina Woolf
37. The Sound and the Fury, William Faulkner
38. Kitchen, Banana Yoshimoto
39. Lizard, Banana Yoshimoto
40. Hardboiled Hard Luck, Banana Yoshimoto
41. Mansfield Park, Jane Austen
42. The Golden Compass, Philip Pullman
43. An Unfinished Life: John F. Kennedy 1917-1963, Robert Dallek
44. Neverwhere, Neil Gaiman
45. Bluebeard, Kurt Vonnegut

I Hate These People

This is why you don't buy shit that has Mao's face or slogans, or Che's, or Stalin's. If you are not a card-carrying Communist who's willing to back up the rhetoric with real, violent dissent (in which case I probably don't want to know you, because you're scary), realize that people who come to power (and believe the only way to effective change is) through violent change have violent histories, histories which are not really all that far back in the past and which people feel very strongly about. Even putting the Peruvian Maoists aside, Mao is not the kinda dude you wanna put on a shirt. It's literally like putting Hitler or Stalin (though Mao might have killed more than both of those men through his policies) on your shirt and being all, "Hey, it's ok, it's ironic!"

No, it's not. And you're a terrible person. Every time you put that shirt on, a puppy gets its ears crushed by an automatic rice picking machine.

I say this as an individual who owns a shirt which has a sickle and hammer on it (which gets some interesting reactions from Asians and Eastern Europeans), but at least my shirt doesn't have a quote from Stalin saying, "Who needs Bolsheviks?" or something along those lines.

Bickety Bam

So, yeah...been a while. First things first, an updated booklist:

1. The Rebel Sell: Why the culture can't be jammed, Joseph Heath & Andrew Potter
2. The Complete Grimm's Fairy Tales, Jacob and Wilhelm Grimm
3. Rabbit, Run, John Updike
4. Everything is Illuminated, Jonathan Safran Foer
5. Fast Food Nation, Eric Schlosser
6. Middlemarch, George Eliot
7. The Code of the Woosters, P. G. Wodehouse
8. The Alchemist, Paulo Coelho
9. Anna Karenina, Leo Tolstoy
10. Genghis Khan and the Making of the Modern World, Jack Weatherford
11. Let Us Compare Mythologies, Leonard Cohen
12. The Sandman: The Wake, Neil Gaiman
13. The Sandman: Season of Mists, Neil Gaiman
14. The Dark Knight Returns, Frank Miller
15. The Sandman: The Doll's House, Neil Gaiman
16. The Sandman: The Kindly Ones, Neil Gaiman
17. Underworld, Don Delillo
18. The Sandman: Fables and Reflections, Neil Gaiman
19. The Sandman: Brief Lives, Neil Gaiman
20. Robert Kennedy and His Times, Arthur M. Schlesinger, Jr
21. The Sandman: Preludes and Nocturnes, Neil Gaiman
22. The Sandman: Dream Country, Neil Gaiman
23. The Sandman: A Game of You, Neil Gaiman
24. The Sandman: World's End, Neil Gaiman
25. The Sandman: Endless Nights, Neil Gaiman
26. The Dark Knight Strikes Again, Frank Miller
27. Book of Longing, Leonard Cohen
28. Different Seasons, Stephen King
29. Siddhartha, Hermann Hesse
30. The Essential Writings of Ralph Waldo Emerson, Ralph Waldo Emerson
31. Moneyball, Michael Lewis
32. American Pastoral, Philip Roth
33. Blood Meridian, Cormac McCarthy
34. The Fortress of Solitude, Jonathan Lethem
35. Steppenwolf, Herman Hesse
36. Orlando, Virgina Woolf
37. The Sound and the Fury, William Faulkner
38. Kitchen, Banana Yoshimoto
39. Lizard, Banana Yoshimoto
40. Hardboiled Hard Luck, Banana Yoshimoto
41. Mansfield Park, Jane Austen
42. The Golden Compass, Philip Pullman
43. An Unfinished Life: John F. Kennedy 1917-1963, Robert Dallek

The JFK book I'll be done soon. Next up is Harry Potter (once it comes out), then I have some Vonnegut I wanna read and then possibly some Shakespeare?

You, You, You...Not You

So I ran "auditions" yesterday; it's in quotes because all of one person showed up. I must admit, out of all the things I thought might happen, such a complete lack of interest from the students was not one.

Thinking back to when my friends produced a play which I performed in, the summer after my first year of university, a few differences jump out. First, I was a year removed from high school; perhaps university students have a bit more free time? Certainly, the impression I got from the head of the drama department at my high school (aside from her being kind of a ball-busting bitch, but that's neither here nor there) was that kids's schedules these days are packed. I wonder if they were that full when I was in high school, and I've simply forgotten what it was like.

Second, the vast majority of those cast in that production had a personal relationship with the people directing and producing. I'm not saying that we were all the best of friends, simply that we were mostly known to each other, if not directly then by being friends of friends. I think this personal connection was vital in securing the cast, and is probably where I went wrong here. I might have been able to generate more of a connection with the kids had I been able to come in and chat with them. One of my friends suggested doing so a couple of times. My fault for not listening to his advice. It might not have changed anything, but it might have.

In terms of the production, I'm not totally sure what this means. The girl I saw today was decent. In need of some good, basic acting classes to make her aware of her physicality (as all actors are at some point or another) in order to more effectively channel it, but I can certainly respect her willingness to show up. It's been somewhat of a surprise, how little I've been able to squeeze out of my high school; I suppose it shouldn't be, as they have no reason to be bending backwards to help me. I've got this girl, who I could work with, but I don't have anything else.

As it is, I see a couple options: try to cast kids when I get back (probably not going to turn out any better than now, since they'll be just starting exams then and will most likely have set summer plans by that time), try to cast alumni, hold a more open call or push this project to a further date. The first probably isn't going to work, for the bracketed reasons. The second and third would work, but they lead to a question: if I'm not constrained by high school-age actors, why am I doing Skin? Why not go back to my first choice, This Is Our Youth, or another script which excites me more? The difficulty then is that I lose the built-in audience of school friends and family, but the head of the drama department pretty much dumped on my estimations of that interest, so I'm not 100% sure I'm really losing all that much there. The last option is fine, but it still begs the question: why Skin, and not another piece?

I leave for Europe tomorrow (well, tonight); I suppose I'll have plenty of time to mull this over.

Again With the Yellow

Your Inner Color is Yellow

Your Personality: Life's too short not to have fun. Your bright energy brings joy and laughter to those around you. You in Love: A total flirt, you need a lot of freedom to play. But you'll be loyal to that one person who makes you feel safe. Your Career: You love variety in a job, and you probably won't stick with one career. You would make a great professor, writer, or actor.

What's Your Inner Color?

Just Another Manic Monday

So, 10 e-mails (6 from me) and 14 days after getting in touch with the head of the drama department at my school, auditions will be happening on Monday, May 30th. How's that for cutting it close? Hopefully people will reply; it would suck if no-one was interested.

It's actually going to be interesting to go through the audition process from the other side of the desk. I've provided some sides for the kids, but have no idea what their cold(ish) reading skills will be like; the teacher mentioned that she's tried to emphasize the validity of the audition process in her time at the school, but that doesn't mean she teaches audition skills, just that she encourages everyone to come and try out. I'm going with a couple thoughts in mind: an idea of what I want to see and a couple different notes to give to auditioners to see how they handle direction and what adjustments they're able to make on the fly. Other than that I'm really trying to be as open as possible, not even thinking about what the characters look like. I have no idea what sort of talent or committment levels I'm about to encounter, and I'm trying not to get my expectations too high in terms of the former. Luckily, the play (being completely honest) is somewhat mediocre, being written for young audiences/performers, and not too demanding.

Loose Ends

A week to go before I leave for Europe, and things are not where they need to be.

Over a week ago (at her request) I sent the current head of drama at my old high school an audition flyer with sides, asking her to get back to me with a more specific date and time. Since then I've been waiting...and waiting...and waiting.

Around the same time I had asked a friend who had registered a business when he helped produce a couple plays if I could use that business's info; the theatre I'm hoping to use charges first time renters a reservation fee which is several hundred dollars higher than if you've rented previously. This fee is credited towards your eventual rental bill, but anything which reduces up-front costs is a good thing. Since then I've been waiting for him to dig it up and send me the info, along with any information he might still have about donors. He mentioned the majority of their funding along those lines came from personal donations, which is something I'll probably be doing as well; if I can get $100 from 20 people (or some variation thereof like $50 from 40), that'll pretty much cover my rehearsal costs.

The school's going through a lot of construction, so I won't be able to use any space there for rehearsals. I've identified a couple alternatives which are actually better (read: cheaper), so that's fine, but lacking the business number I'm unable to actually go ahead and reserve anything. This has placed me in this state of perpetual waiting, which sucks.

The auditions are what's really worrying me, though. I can take care of reserving space out of the country; what I can't do is see these kids, and the lack of reply to this point worries me. I mean, I understand she's a teacher and all, but shit. How long does it really take to figure this stuff out?

But Wait, I'm...

So, the media frenzy begins.

There's been an odd number of stories about Koreans expressing their extreme sorrow and apologies.

I mean, it's fine and all - certainly I'm not suggesting that it's stupid for those people to express their condolences - but there's something about it that's a little odd.

It's the obsession that Koreans have with the fact that the shooter himself was Korean ("Along with profound grief for the victims and concern for Cho's family, many expressed fear that his actions would tar the entire Korean American community -- which has long been associated with such values as hard work, education and family unity."). I don't think there's any added shame because of the shared nationality. Remember all the stories after 9/11 about Sikhs and other non-Muslim Arab or Pakistani people getting harassed? Bigots aren't too finicky. Say the shooter was Chinese, and some people were harassing a Korean. Are they gonna stop when the guy goes, "Wait, wait, I'm a Korean!" Conversely, given this situation, if some Chinese or Japanese person is getting bothered, I hardly think the fact that they're not Korean is going to help. Asians all look the same to Westerners, after all, right?.

Second, as details begin to emerge, it's clear that this is a very weak case for pro-gun control people. Cho bought his guns early this year; the .22 on February 9th and the 9 mm a month later, on March 16th (per this article). And while advisors and students are all coming out of the woodwork to say what a creepy guy he was (as they always do, after such an event), he had no background, no history of violent acts, nothing that would have raised any sort of flag. Aside from a complete ban on handgun purchases, I cannot think of any gun registration law which might have prevented this. And even given a ban, it's possible that he might have been able to acquire two or more handguns illegally. In fact, from what I know of gun enthusiasts, that's part of the argument which they use to justify the purchases of guns for security; criminals will acquire them illegally, so citizens should be able to purchase them legally for their own defense.

Lost in the shuffle of this is the news that the Supreme Court upheld a 2003 legislative ban on partial-birth abortions. I'm not gonna get all crazy (as I'm sure both abortion-rights and anti-abortion activists are) about how this is the beginning of the end of legalized abortion in the US, but it's certainly a situation that people should keep aware of.

Everyone Hates Toronto?

An amusing/interesting editorial over here, in response to a documentary released this week about the virulent hatred the rest of Canada bears for Toronto and its denizens.

It's amusing because anyone who's spent time in any of the true metropolises of the world has somewhat of the same perspective on Toronto that Torontonians have on the rest of Canada. Toronto's a nice city, don't get me wrong, but compared to New York, London or Tokyo it remains somewhat quaint and provincial.

It gets interesting near the end, when the writer mentions:

Post-colonial studies teaches us that citizens of colonies (or, in Canada's case, former colonies) suffer from a psychological condition that causes them to constantly perceive themselves as being outside the centre, as living on the margins.

In the 20th century, it's interesting to note that a number of the more infuential Western cultural critics have been Canadian. Marshall McLuhan, Naomi Klein and John Ralston Saul are all fairly well known in those circles. In some ways, I think you can count comedians as cultural critics as well; most stand up comedy these days depends on some aspect of a common culture. Canada, of course, also seems to produce an inordinately large number of talented comedians. At the time, I found it odd that Canada could produce such a disproportinate amount of such critics, and tried to fumble my way towards a reason. Tying it to the colonial experience was something I hadn't considered, and yet it seems to make a fair bit of sense.

The dominant news story today is, of course, the shootings at Virginia Tech. When more details start coming out, I wonder what, if any, ramifications there will be politically. At this point it's silly to make any inflammatory statements about policy (not that that'll stop any news media outlets, I'm sure), but you would think that at some point, Americans might stop and ask how many such killings they will tolerate before legislating some sort of effective gun control, even if it's just a knee-jerk reaction to such horrific violence.

Of course, I suppose another way of looking at it is that the death toll in Virginia is like any given day of the week in Baghdad. But that's a whole other kettle of fish, and, to be fair, things do seem to have settled down some since Petaeus was put in charge.

Hmmm

I could have sworn I'd done this one, but I don't see it in my labelled drawer, so:

You Are Expressionism

Moody, emotional, and even a bit angsty... you certainly know how to express your emotions. At times, you tend to lack perspective on your life, probably as a result of looking inward too much. This introspection does give you a flair for the dramatic. And it's even maybe made you cultivate some artistic talents! You have a true artist's temperament... which is a blessing and a curse.

What Art Movement Are You?

I'm Super

You Are the Super Ego

While some people may think first and act later... you often don't act at all. You'd rather be safe than sorry, and you take ethics pretty seriously. Like everyone, you have some pretty crazy desires. But unlike everyone, you restrain yourself. You have high standards for your own behavior. And you happily exceed them.

Are You Id, Ego, or Superego?

Nepotism Rules?

Had a good conversation with a high school friend of mine who I'd lost touch with.

Couple more details about my show: it looks like the performance space I'd been hoping to use is booked. I mentioned this today, and my friend suggested another space in Oakville which might even be better for my purposes, the studio theater at the Oakville Centre for the Performing Arts.

Part of the reason why I'd originally chosen the space at my high school was the hope that I might be able to get some sort of a discount on renting it. Interestingly enough, it turns out that my high school drama teacher is the Vice Chair of the board at the Oakville Centre.

I have connections! Who knew.

Mr. Darcy, I Presume?

There are some people who are extremely comfortable talking to complete strangers, people who can sit and chat and instantly put others at ease.

I don't think I'm one of those people.

It is highly possible that this is a skill, something that can be learned through practice, repetition and personal reinforcement; certainly pick-up artists believe it is. It is also possible that there are some people who cannot learn it, or who will always be somewhat lacking, due to personal deficiency (for lack of a better term).

It's sort of funny that I posted a few entries ago about projecting our own personalities onto literary characters; the identification with characters in novels which personalizes them, which gives them an emotional and mental resonance in our own lives. Anyone who's ever read a book or watched a movie and thought, "I'm just like that person!" knows what I'm talking about. Because one of the things that struck me about Mr. Darcy when I first read Pride and Prejudice was his ill manner in the company of strangers, something which I (unfortunately) think I share.

It makes me uncomfortable to sit and chat with people I don't know; it makes me uncomfortable and nervous, and I'm prone to saying inappropriate things because of this (or just sitting silently), which leads to bad first impressions, which tend to be rather difficult to overcome. Maybe I just need to do suck it up and it more often, to push myself outside of my comfort zone, but doing so is - well - uncomfortable. Maybe I should just accept the fact (like Darcy) that I'm probably never going to be great in situations with complete strangers, and ask my friends to do likewise. Maybe I should get over myself.

Yeah...yeah.

Also, don't ask why this is posted at this time.

The Producer

Things are happening.

A few weeks ago, after I'd expressed an interest in producing but also my extreme ignorance as to what producing entailed, a friend of mine passed along the contact info of a classmate we'd had in high school, a guy who'd gone on to do a bit of theatre producing in Toronto. I sat down with him soon after and we had a decent chat, getting generally caught up and talking about this and that. In the end, it came down to, "Do it," with a couple caveats based on his experience; for example, his friend (the creative part of the team, my former classmate being the business, organized part) was careful to select productions with a built-in audience, such as Rocky Horror.

I spent some time mulling it over and decided that I would, indeed, do it. I knew what I wanted to do; the same material I would want to be performing, if it was being produced. But fear and doubt set in. After all, I didn't (still don't) know what the fuck I'm doing.

The compromise: using personal contacts. I got in touch with my high school drama teacher, told her I was thinking about producing a play and would love to give either current or graduating students opportunities. She loved the idea, but not so much the script I had in mind (This is Our Youth, which has many, many naughty words in it, because that's the way kids talk, which is part of what makes the script so strong). Instead, she suggested Skin, which is written with younger actors and audiences in mind, and deals (in quite the fortuitous circumstance) with race and racism.

So, one Complete Idiot's Guide and a couple more e-mails to various parties later, I'm looking at something that might actually happen, that I will make happen. It's still embryonic; I haven't secured the rights yet, because I want to see the black box space at my school before I decide whether to put it on there or in the 150-seat recital hall (which I doubt we could consistently fill), and the size of the venue apparently helps determine the royalties you'll have to pay, and I have no idea where the hell I'm going to get the money or how much I'm going to need. But things are moving.

And I'm scared shitless.

Still Nerdy

I've been puzzling over a recurrent theme in Underworld since I read it; at the time I tried to communicate it to a friend but it was pretty rough.

It concerns trash; a number of the characters in Underworld are involved in trash disposal, and Delillo writes about it on numerous occasions. I think what he's aiming for is an effect similar to The Human Stain, a meditation on the aftereffects of people's lives, the "trash" they leave scattered in their wake as they pursue this path, then that path, loving, hating and being indifferent towards those who come into their lives. And just as we don't think about the physical trash we throw away - the packaging around an iPod, the jar that peanut butter comes in, the plastic wrap around a cd or dvd - individuals are frequently ignorant of the effects they can have on people around them, both positive and negative.

It's not necessarily born out of any kind of malice or altruism (though it certainly can be); for the most part, it comes from a basic disconnect between individuals. People act in certain ways; they say things, they don't say things, they say things in certain ways, with certain inflections, and to their mind they are sending messages to those they interact with. But because others aren't privy to the specific way in which that person sees and interpret things, their actions (or inactions) are mistaken or missed completely.

Say you've had a fight with a friend or a loved one. Some time has passed, and you feel bad about what you've said or done to them, and want to apologize. Most people are too proud to come out and say, "I'm sorry," so they'll act in a manner which physicalizes these feelings. But the other person might not necessarily realize this, and they react accordingly. You, thinking that your overtures of apology have not only been refused, but explicitly rejected, become upset because of this, and the seeds of a deeper discontent are sown; not through any deliberate attempt but because of a simple disconnect.

This is the trash of human life: the sidelong glances, the unsaid words, all the insignificant details which mean so little to us and yet define us to other people, are the only things they have to judge and know us by.