Hail Poetry!

Well, I'm not normally one to write poetry, but the other day I was sitting in class and a phrase kept drumming through my head, so I wrote it down...and then everything else that came afterwards.

I have walked alone
to find your face
to feel your eyes

Swirling eddies
Mist-covered lakes.
They clear,
I am found

The mutterings around me
Mouthings that pass by
Rolling overhead;dragging me under.
But I surface
Again
And again

Where are you hiding?
In the forests of my memory
Weaving in and out of the trees
Always ahead, never behind and never beside.
I hear your smile in the breezes
Sighing to the river

The forest ends.
You are lost.
I am found.

I don't flatter myself by thinking it's good; actually, it's probably quite crap. But it's mine, so there it is.

PS

For anyone who wondered, it is actually pronounced "Rock-ah Wear". I always thought it was "Roh-ka Wear", like something Al Roker would wear, but I guess I was wrong.

Now that I think about it though, an Al Roker clothing line would be spec-fucking-tacular.

Roc the Casbah!

So we're at the Roca Wear offices today picking out clothes and Trevor pointed this interesting little detail out. See, one of the racks in one of the rooms they took us into was clothes intended for spring - two years from now. So a lot of the clothes on the rack weren't finished, and to simulate the details they actually had stickers on the clothes, just like you can see in the pic. Cool, huh?

Man, I hope I can't get sued for this.

Bored out my skull

Yes, I am bored.

Finished the Cary Grant bio, it was good. Would love to get some more about other icons from that era, but not really sure where to start or which ones are good. Ideally I'd love Jimmy Stewart, Grace Kelly or Marilyn, because they're my other favorites from that era...I don't know if there's any out on the first two and there's too damn much written about Marilyn, so not quite sure what I'm going to do there.

The new nerdy obsession is Admiral Horatio Nelson, of the Battle of Trafalgar fame. Who would be interested in something odd like that, you ask? Me, goddammit. DON'T JUDGE ME.

It's funny, the reason why I picked this one was because every time I walked through the biography section at the Barnes and Noble at Lincoln Center, this book would be sitting with its cover facing out and it would catch my eye every time - the cover is a close-up on the face of a portrait of Nelson. So kudos to whoever put that on the cover. You bastard.

Oh, I know something else I can talk about: my most recent iTunes purchase. Jason Robert Brown is, in my opinion, the best young songwriter on Broadway. That cd is actually a collection of songs he wrote and performed himself. He isn't the strongest singer, but he's acceptable...and it's really more about the lyric anyways, as most musical theater since the 70s tends to be. The three best songs on there, in my opinion, of course (and seeing as how this is my blog, that's the only one that matters), are "Someone to Fall Back On", "Nothing in Common" and "I Could Be In Love With Someone Like You", though I'm starting to hate that last one now for having such a long goddamn name. "Someone to Fall Back On" and the third one (I refuse to even copy-paste that travesty of a title) are about relationships, and "Nothing in Common" is actually about his brother. Here's a bit of the lyric to "Someone to Fall Back On":

...and I'll be that
I'll take your side
if I'm the only one i'm used to that
I've been alone i'd rather be
the half of us
the least of you
the best of me
and I'll be your prince
I'll be your saint
I will go crashing through fences in your name
I will, I swear I'll be someone to fall back on
I'll be the one who waits
and for as long as you let me I will be the one you need
I'll be someone to fall back on, your prince, your saint
the one you believe you need I'll be

Thinking about why I like the song so much, I actually have kind of a love-hate relationship with it. I mean, what he expresses in it is/was the way I looked at relationships, and what I wanted to be in a relationship. But I'm also tired of having that being taken advantage of, or taken for granted. Not to mention it frequently lands you nothing but a big trip to the friend zone, which just sucks. I don't want to be the one who waits anymore, the one who's always there for you. I have my shit that I want to take care of, and maybe for once I want to be pursued a bit, to feel like the other person is as interested in getting to know me as I am in getting to know her. That's what frustrates me about Stef a bit, actually - she says she likes hanging out with me and wants to get to know me better, and then she barely fucking calls. And yes, she's busy with class and job and, you know, her relationship (heh), but still. Friendships and relationships are both two way streets, and I'm tired of always being the one to compromise.

Oops

So one of my roommates, Sara, apparently was proposed to by the guy she'd been dating for a while (a year or so? Beats me) and is now engaged.

No, that's not the oops.

The oops is that when she TOLD me (and showed me the ring) I thought it was like...some kind of a joke? Like she'd gotten the ring in a box of Cracker Jack and was being cute or something. So I think in response to her telling me that she was engaged, I kinda chuckled. Or maybe I smirked. God, I don't remember what I did (and I'm certainly not going to ASK her), but I'm pretty sure it was to the typical engagement congratulatory display what Danielle Steel is to J. R. R. Tolkien.

Now I'm stuck in a bit of a quandary...do I apologize? Or is it too late? I think it's a bit too late now. Maybe my reaction wasn't that bad, maybe it was acceptable. I mean, she didn't look PISSED...but then maybe she was just hiding it. Beats me.

So yeah...oops.

Cary Grant was a WHAT?

Among the interesting shifts in my tastes over the past year or so has been an appreciation for biography. I'm not really too sure where it came from - I think the first one I picked up was Master of the Senate, which is part 3 of Robert Caro's HUGE biography of Lyndon B. Johnson. I didn't really touch any more biography, though that one was incredible, until My Life, which I'm not really sure if you can classify as biography, or even autobiography, given what its detractors say are its many omissions.

Generally, I guess it's part of a larger non-fiction awakening I had. More recently, this led me to the Founding Fathers of America, with one excellent book by Joseph Ellis and a biography of Alexander Hamilton by Ron Chernow which was fantastic, and then one he wrote on John D. Rockefeller. I think he's got one more I'll be picking up eventually, on J. P. Morgan.

Anyways, I'm currently working my way through one on Cary Grant, born Archibald Leach...good change there. And it turns out that, among other things, Grant was apparently gay. Isn't it odd how you never really think that famous people from the past might have been gay, and then you find out they are and it's like...huh...didn't see that one coming.

By far the most interesting aspect of his story has been the calculation behind the creation of the Cary Grant persona. He actually named his dog Archibald Leach; is it just me or is that a bit crazy? But the amount of work that went into the creation of Cary Grant the star: the number of years it took him working in the studio system before he was able to break out, the precise rehearsing of his roles and the control he demanded over his characters in order to ensure that he would be viewed the way he wanted to be are fascinating and illuminating. Man, I dream of having the luxury of turning down parts because they won't showcase me in the way I want. Right now I'd do just about anything for that kind of break. I say just about because the universe has a funny sense of humor, which typically involves giving you what you wish for but in a really fucked up way that you weren't really expecting because you weren't specific enough about what you wanted.

Speaking of which, Jimbo told me that when ImaginAsian opens here in New York, they'll be running ads in Times Square, possibly with the faces of those of us in Uncle Morty's up there. That simultaneously excites and terrifies me. I have this image of me camped out in Times Square on a blanket watching for the ads and scurrying away the second they actually come on, then coming back once they're over to watch for the next appearance.

Scenes from the Met

Irony, thy name is the Metropolitan Museum of Art.

So anyways, I spent a fun day walking around the Met. They have an awesome exhibit of Van Gogh's drawings up right now. This was actually the second time I've been, I went a year or two ago when they had an exhibit of Da Vinci's drawings. That time I just went in for the exhibit and left though, this time I spent a few hours walking around and saw a ton of art...a surprising number of Rodin sculptures, the Asian art area, the European painting section (Renoir, Degas, Manet, Monet, a couple by Van Gogh and Seurat) and the modern art section, which was mostly kinda crappy aside from the one Pollack, a couple Warhols and some of O'Keefe's work. On the whole, quite enjoyable.

Things have cooled off with Stef. I've been reading (and re-reading) Letters to a Young Poet, by Ranier Maria Rilke. Um, I just realized those two things don't really have anything to do with each other. Let me refocus here.

So Stef is kinda confused (there's a shocker) and I'm backing off there. Well, she's not really confused so much as she is...still in a relationship. Yeah, it's weird, don't ask. We'll hang out, I still like spending time with her and it's cool but I'm not going to push her. Yeah, it sucks, but whatever. The reason why I bring up Rilke is because there's a passage in it where he mentiones that life is about living the questions, not looking for answers. And in a lot of ways, that was something I'd come to myself in the last year or so, about life: the point isn't to find the answers, the point is the question itself. Rilke believes that in living the questions, you will eventually find one day that you've found the answer, that it was inside you all along. Trust in life, because when you are ready for experiences, they will come your way.

At the same time, that line of thinking can be dangerous because it can lead to complacency, to a sense that if you just sit back, things will happen for you. I don't think that's what Rilke meant to say. But there has to be some kind of trade-off between active and passive, between contemplation and action. Fate, or fortune, or god or whatever will bring you to a point, and will give you all the tools you need to succeed. All you have to do is take the step.

Yeah, I don't always believe that. I have good days and bad days. But I'm hoping the former will outnumber the latter in the days to come.

Ah-HA

Yeah, so here I am again. Things are going well; I helped Stef move into her apartment last week. Made a date to grab lunch with her on Thursday. Or is it a date? I don't really know, and I think it's kind of crass to ask. I don't really know what we are, but I'm trying not to obsess over that too much. I don't know if she knows what we are, or if she's interested in me or a relationship period. I mean, there's some things you can sort of guess...like, I'm pretty sure she doesn't HATE me. But there is, of course, a pretty fine line between not hating someone and liking that person in a romantic sense. But then, maybe it won't even end up being romantic, maybe we'll just be friends.

That would kinda suck.

I tend to agree with the statement made in When Harry Met Sally, that men and women can't be friends because sex always gets in the way. I don't know if I'd say they can't be friends, but I do think that sex is always present in relationships with people of the sex whom you're attracted to (I would have said opposite sex, but not everyone's attracted to the opposite sex, I guess). You can work past it, but if you become really close with someone, I think people tend to fuse their feelings of emotional comfort with those of romantic love. Or maybe it's not even fusing. That doesn't really make sense. And then, there are also situations where people can be friends and not be attracted to each other in the least. Or are they attracted and maybe not realizing/admitting it? Anyways, the process of becoming very good friends with someone means that you get to see them at their worst and at their best, and it can be very hard not to see things to admire and appreciate - or else why are you friends with that person? Of course, then you also run into the problem of falling into the dreaded friend zone, which sucks ass.

I watched the Tao of Steve recently; it's a cute little movie. There were a number of interesting things said, though I'm not quite sure how I feel about them. The movie is all about this guy who, though out of shape and a huge slacker/pot head, manages to sleep with all sorts of women. His name, contrary to what you might think, isn't Steve; Steve is the name for the cool everyman, the Steve McQueens of the world who exude cool and sex appeal. The tao (way) of Steve is how to be like that, and attract women: to not overtly desire, to be "excellent" in front of them, and not to be their friend. Of course, in the movie he meets the "one", this girl he falls for and tosses all this aside for, which is mostly the usual Hollywood line, and also neatly allows him to negate the whole tao of Steve he had previously espoused.

I don't really want that, but I guess I just wonder sometimes how some people can be so confident and seem so knowing when it comes to dating. Then again, maybe nobody really is, outside of Hollywood scripts. I'm just trying really hard to relax and let things happen as they come. I just hope I don't end up missing an opportunity while I'm waiting for something to happen.

What do I want?

So I sat and chatted with Stef for a while today - in the afternoon and later in the evening (though that was just pure chance - we got back up here at the same time and I saw her in the station).

First of all, she was upset because I went to her play, which I guess she wasn't feeling very proud of. We talked about that for a bit - I said I wanted to see a) her work and b) her. That seemed to mollify her a bit. I could understand not being happy with the production, but I said that as a fellow actor, I know what it's like being in productions you're not proud of...I know the things you, as a single actor, can't control around you. In situations like that, all you can do is take care of your own work and do the best you can do, which I thought she did. I think it all got smoothed out - the fact that she sat and chatted with me for quite a while longer seemed to indicate the same.

Anyways, near the end of the conversation she asked me, "What do you want from me?" It sort of caught me by surprise, mainly because that's usually the kind of thing you hear through sobbing tears just before a door slams in your face or the phone gets hung up. But in her case, she meant it as a straight up question. I've been reading up on Scorpios and Sagittariuses (is that the plural?), and I've read that they're both shockingly honest. I guess that was my first demonstration of that aspect of her. Anyways, I responded as best I could - that I didn't really know what I wanted from her yet, because I didn't really know her all that well yet. I didn't say that I was interested in pursuing something, because I figured that was sort of a given. She seems to be coming from a difficult place, and the last thing I want to do is pressure her into anything.

I really think (maybe it's hope...maybe it's a bit of both) she could be someone special in my life. I don't want to tell her yet because I don't want that hanging over her. If she's going to be with me, I want her to decide that...I hope I'm not making a mistake in not saying it to her. I don't think I am.

Well shut my mouth

So I guess I didn't scare her off...she just stopped by the apartment. Oddly enough, I had been thinking that someone who'd rang the doorbell an hour or so before she actually showed up might have been her...lying in bed. Then I got up, unable to sleep, and like 10 minutes later she knocks. We had a really good conversation. I think I came across as a lot less spazzy.

Sweet!

Another month, another post

Working through the dog days of summer now...last couple of days have been disgustingly hot and humid.

Morty's will be continuing soon; Jimbo somehow ended up on the Apple site. I don't know how. Here's a few more links I've been surfing lately. The first webcomic...I think I got the link off of MacHall, and the Iraq one I actually got from one of my classes. It's so difficult to know what's really going on there, since no media can or will tell you what it's like. I guess those blogs could be being written with the express purpose of deceiving everyone who reads them, but let's hope they're not. Well, in a way that might be nice, because it would mean things over there aren't that shitty. But I'm pretty sure they are.

I've been thinking about whether or not to put this in this entry, because it seems like I always get way too excited about things like this way too early and they turn out to be nothing and I'm upset again. But anyways, I've sort of kind of met someone, though I'm getting sort of a weird vibe from her. It was good at first, but I honestly think I might have scared her off.

On some level, I know I should calm down when it comes to relationships. But I can't (is that won't?). When I meet someone and I like them, I want to be with them a lot. Is that so wrong? Apparently. I guess when (if?) it happens right, that won't be an issue. I feel like there's a lot I'm missing out on by being so crazy. But I don't know how to be anything but myself.

I always feel like when she asks me questions, I answer in the worst possible way. Not to say that I lie, I'm always honest, but I feel like I only say part of the truth to her. Like the other day, she asked me what I wanted out of a relationship. I thought about it for a bit, and said I wanted someone to love, who would love me back. Which is true. What I DIDN'T say, and what upset me afterwards when I thought about it was that I'm not LOOKING for that...if it happens, it happens. Until it happens, I'm perfectly happy to hang out, to have some laughs and some good times and, yes, generally make out and/or be intimate. But now I can't go back and SAY that to her (or can I?).

Anyways, shit like that is why I think I might have scared her off. We'll see, I guess. Fuck it.

The greatest invention of all time...

...is air conditioning. Well, to be a bit more precise, it's climate control, as indoor heating is pretty goddamn sweet in the winter. But right now, air conditioning is king, as I've finally buckled under and bought a unit for my room.

As for why I spent so long without one, I think the biggest reason is because I have a roommate who's the best friend I have here, and she's...well, not the richest person in the world. I, being relatively well off, didn't want to flaunt it or anything, so I decided that as long as she didn't have one, I could live without one too.

I don't mean to say I decided as in I actively thought about it, it was a bit unconscious and it's only now, when I bought a unit and was thinking about why I hadn't bought one yet that I hit on that reason. Anyways.

So now I have air conditioning and life is good again. I also finally got in touch with a certain someone who I'd love to date and get to know...but I'm not quite sure if I'm getting blown off or not. She says she's busy, which I can completely understand, but at the same time...does it really take all that much time to have coffee or a drink with someone? I mean, if you were interested in someone and they asked you out for a drink, couldn't you make the time?

I don't know. I'm pretty out of the loop when it comes to dating in general. I just hate that you can't be straight up with people, that you always have to wonder what people mean when they say they're busy. That you can't just say, "Hey, I'm really really REALLY attracted to you and hope you are to me, but if you're not, please just say so so I can get on with things and stop wasting our time." Not that I'm not getting on with things anyways, because you can't (or shouldn't, at least) make your own happiness contingent on having someone in your life. If you can't be happy alone, you can't be happy in a relationship. No, I just hate checking my mail and hoping there's going to be something from her and seeing nothing.

Back to civilization

Yes, finally back in New York. I'd been away so long I actually forgot the code to get in the front door (there's a security panel that lets you buzz the apartment if you're delivering something, or you can tap in a code and the door unlocks). Luckily, another tenant was coming in and I just slipped in behind them. I've started cleaning out the piles of papers and things that had accumulated in my room; another few days of tossing out trash and it should look decent in here. Stopped by the network and caught the last episode of Morty's, as well as snagging the other two episodes on dvd - they're probably the best we've done yet. That tends to be pretty typical for sitcoms, I think; the first season is an odd mash of episodes that have moments, but on the whole are not as good as the series can be if it continues, and has the necessary talent. Most of the first seasons of great sitcoms I've watched have been eminently forgettable. Not that I rank Morty's with those shows necessarily, it's just an observation about sitcoms.

So why did I go?

Why indeed. I don't really know, just as I don't know why we still talk. I enjoy talking to her, I suppose. There is a comfort level there that you reach with people you know for long periods of time. And I really do owe her quite a bit, not in the sense that I feel beholden to her, but in that I can recognize that dating her was a huge turning point in my life, one that changed me (for the better, I believe), and which set me on the path I walk today.

But that's still not a reason why I'm in touch with her, why it's not too painful for me.

Most of the time I'm pretty sure I'm over her. Every now and then, I do find myself thinking about her, or missing her.

I think it's fear.

I spend a lot of my life afraid. Sometimes I think my life is characterized by fear. In this case, fear that I will never find someone who will love me like that, who I love back.

Even now, fear holds me back - and maybe it's the reason why I still talk to Ursula. It's all the things left unsaid because of fear - because I know that ignorance really is bliss, that there are some things you are better off not knowing, not because it's good to lie to yourself, but because sometimes the truth can really fuck you up.

I don't know when we broke up. I don't know when Ursula and Brian started dating. I don't know when she first felt attracted to him. I've never asked. She's said she never cheated on me. Can I believe that? I've never explicitly found out these details, and it has to be at least partially because I'm afraid of what the answer might be. I do know that when I came home in June of 2002, we were still nominally together. I went back to New York soon after, and a few months later she was engaged.

Seems quick, doesn't it?

I hope she hasn't made a mistake. But there's a little part of me that hopes she HAS made a mistake, that this ends badly and that she realizes hey, what I had was better. I'm not proud of that, but neither will I hide from it.

It also seems incredibly pretentious and presumptuous to say, "I hope she hasn't made a mistake". Who the hell am I to judge other people's mistakes? I've made more than my fair share, and I'm nowhere near done. The day I stop making mistakes will likely be the day I die.

But it's ok to make those mistakes, I think - it is those mistakes that tend to define us as humans. I was kicking around a theory a month or so ago that the person you are is formed at the end of high school; that for the most part, that is the person you will remain for the rest of your life. That's why so many people remain stuck in that moment, with the same issues and the same lives. I mentioned it to a friend, and she replied that she felt it was a cop-out; an excuse to repeat the same mistakes over and over again.

She's right.

But I'm still not convinced that you can change some things about yourself. Some aspects, yes, some aspects, no. Take alcoholism. You can choose to fight it, to not drink, but it will always be there and it will always color the way you see things - it is a part of you. But, and this is where I stand today, just because success isn't guaranteed, it does not follow that you shouldn't try. It may not be logical to try when there is no chance of success, but humans are not logical creatures, nor should they strive to be in every facet of their lives. If anything, it is the reach for perfection while being fully cognisant of the impossibility of its attainment that is, to me, the simplest truth in life.

So, I'm afraid to ask Ursula those questions. I don't want to upset her, I don't want to upset myself. But maybe it would be better to get those things out. And maybe she's afraid too - maybe that's why she stays in touch with me, out of a sense of guilt for having betrayed me either physically or emotionally. I guess there's only one way to find out.

Back in the C.A.N.A......da

Ok, so Canada isn't as catchy as the USSR. Who would have guessed?

Asia was...interesting. Something I've been aware of for several years now is the increasing homogenity (wonder if that's spelled right) of the world - that is to say, no matter where you go in the world, cities always feel very similar. You're always seeing the same brands, the same fast food restaurants and the same daily routine. And I suppose part of the reason why it was that way was because most of the cities I went to are ones where a foreign influence has been around for quite some time. But another part of it is the whole globalization thing. I don't really feel like typing out a pile of crap about that because there's authors who are far more informed than me who've written at much greater length than I could, and I don't feel positively or negatively about it - it's just a reality of the world today.

If anything else, it is the character of the people that sets Asia apart. The density of people I was somewhat prepared for by living in New York. It's worse in Asia, of course, but walking through Times Square during a peak time is a decent approximation of walking around in Asia. What's different is how the people approach it: with a passive-aggressiveness which seems inherent in Asian culture. The concept of lining up seems to be an alien one, unless there's a strong Western influence in the city; lines are replaced by amorphous mobs, waving their money or tickets. Driving is handled somewhat similarly, with only a cursory amount of homage paid to the elements of the road which keep order on the streets of North America; signs, traffic lights, even lanes. It's quite an experience seeing a 3 lane expressway turn into 5 lanes, let me tell you.

Of course, we did the two main tourist-type things: the terracotta warriors and the Great Wall. It's difficult to put into words what it's like to be in those places. The history of the area is something that dwarfs your imagination and your sense of being, especially coming from such a culturally infantile area as North America. It is humbling to stand somewhere and to know that hundreds or thousands of years earlier, someone else stood in that exact place - someone with their own set of hopes, dreams and fears. It is a realization that makes you both small and huge all at once - to know that you are not unique, that you are both a part of the human organism and an individual, one given a degree of choice that no previous generation has ever been afforded.

I also went to Ursula's wedding last night; I have some jumbled thoughts on that I can dump, but I think I'll put them in a different post.

Postpostpostpostpostpostpost

Yeah, been a while. Not much has been happening, though that's about to change. This week I'll be shooting the last 3 episodes of Morty's for the season, and the dubbing will be next week. Then at the end of the week I'm flying back to TO to meet up with my younger brother, after which we will be joining my dad in Taiwan. Not really excited about it yet, focusing more on the things I have to do this week, but it's definitely going to be interesting.

When I get back from the trip, I'm also going to be going to my ex-girlfriend (Ursula)'s wedding. I suppose it's odd that I'm still even in touch with her to begin with. Honestly, I can't really say why we stay in contact. People have asked why, and my only response is, why not? Our breakup wasn't particularly acrimonious (as such things go), it just sort of...was.

Anyways, the point I wanted to make about going to the wedding is that the oddest thing for me so far has been the juxtaposition of that circumstance with my current one. I mean, marriage was something that we had discussed in passing (I suppose, as all young couples in love do), and I had a clear moment when I made the decision to return to New York, which I guess was the signal to her that I was breaking up with her, or that it was time for her to break up with me. So I honestly believe that it could have been me standing across from her at the altar. That life could have been mine. It's somewhat like the experience of looking up the people you went to high school or college with, and finding out that the majority of them are married, or are starting to have kids, while the very concept of having and raising a child at this age scares the living bejeezus out of me. Not that I'm averse to baby talk, or what-you-want-to-name-your-kids conversations, it's being up to the responsibility that comes with raising a child to be an intelligent, useful member of society that terrifies me. Anyways, finding out that all those people have already moved on to that point in their lives is the sort of thing that tends to freak you out in a very general sense. As I am right now, I don't want to be married. And yet, had I made my choices differently in life, I might not only want to be married, but I might be getting married in 4 weeks, or I might even already be married.

It's pretty possible though, now that I think about it, that even if I'd chosen to stay in Canada for the summer and work on my relationship, it still would have ended when I returned to New York. Perhaps that would have made this seem a little less like an episode of The Twilight Zone. But perhaps not - and I'll never know, because that choice has already been made. I'm sure there will be other times when I'll wonder what might have been, and I wonder if she ever has those thoughts.

I'm a Google!

Well, not me per se, but UMDS is. Yes, the other day I was at the netowork and Jimbo got an e-mail mentioning that Uncle Morty's had been mentioned on a few blogs...clicky! And clicky again! Yeahhhhhhhh!

On an unrelated note, I noticed that this title and the last one both have exclamation marks in them. I don't really have anything to explain this sudden burst of exclamatory joie d'esprit, I guess I'm just in a good mood when typing these. Or maybe it's because they come so infrequently I like to infuse them with a little extra oomph.

Free to go to the land of Make Believe!

Well, another semester in the books. Only failed one class this semester (I think), which I'm pretty sure is enough of an improvement that they won't kick me out.

Been listening a lot to Weezer's new album, Make Believe - like the first album they put out, it's just a really strong album, with some catchy hooks and tunes you'll find yourself humming randomly. Also recently bought a Fred Astaire album and the original cast recording of the revival of The Pirates of Penzance; both brilliant as well.

The Uncle Morty's website has been updated; there's a new design, an episode guide and bios, as well as downloads; I'm a wallpaper!

Nothing really deep to say. Been working my way through The World is Flat, by Thomas Friedman (saw him plugging it on Real Time w/ Bill Maher one night), and it's interesting; now that my classes are fully over I should be able to finish it off pretty quickly.

Ping Pong Diplomacy

Ping Pong Diplomacy is the title of the play that I just did the reading of yesterday, part of Reverie Productions's new play contest (now in its second year). As I indicated previously, I had some misgivings about the script, but it's sort of grown on me, probably at least partially helped by the audience (such as it was; probably about 10-12 people) reaction to the reading. It really is quite a cute script, though perhaps a touch long (the reading was about 2 hours), but some of that could be tightened through staging. The winner of Reverie's contest will be announced on June 8th or so, at which time they're also going to be reading new plays by Tony Kushner (Angels in America) and Greg Kotis (Urinetown), which I would LOVE to make it to but I think I'll be out of town and getting ready for my trip to Asia.

The reading itself went pretty well; I was actually quite pleased with my own performance. As I said, audience reaction was fantastic, and there was only one real hiccup, when one of the actors completely broke down in a scene with a case of the giggles. The audience was laughing, and he just started laughing too, and as anyone who's ever been in that situation can testify, it's pretty much impossible to stop once you've started, sort of like "I Love to Laugh" in Mary Poppins. Of course, then the question becomes, what do you do when you're one of the other actors in the scene (which I was). I mean, we're not on stage - we're reading off scripts, and people understand (or they should, at least) that it's not a performance. And yet, there is an element of professionalism which should be maintained, I feel. So, I kept character and just tried to wait it out. The other actor struggled through the scene and his giggles as best he could, losing it a few more times, but eventually making it through. In any event, it was a great experience and another chance to make connections with another production company, and I certainly wish the best of luck to the playwright, Joe Basque.

I'm trying very hard not to get caught up in the Episode 3 (Star Wars) hype. I'll probably go see it in theaters, but I'm trying to avoid information about it as much as possible. I really want to try to just watch it and enjoy it as best I can. I don't even really think about it all that much, and I seem to somehow magically be able to avoid the brunt of the media campaign for it - I see more Batman Begins (which I'm also looking forward to) ads than I see Episode 3 ads.

And the shower just opened up, so I need to run in there and do my hair really fast.

More Morty

So this past week has been pretty much a blur, shooting on every day except Wednesday. I also skipped my last class for one course, and haven't written the final for that - the professor (one of the nicer ones I've had) sent me a mail about that. I told him I'd get it to him ASAP, which I really am planning on doing...once I read the book I'm supposed to read for it. Well, re-read, I did read it but I can't really remember the pertinent details for the paper I need to write.

I also got called to audition for a reading for a play that was entered in a new play contest this company runs that's in the same building as Pan Asian Rep is in (let me re-read that sentence to make sure it makes sense...not quite, had to add a word or two and it's still a pretty horrible sentence. Let me try that again)

So, a while ago (about a year now, I guess - no, 2?...no, 1 year, winter/spring 2004) I did a play called KWATZ!: The Tibetan Project with Pan Asian Repertory Theater, which is the oldest Asian-American theater company in New York. The company's office is in this building on 8th Avenue which has offices and such all throughout it, as such buildings are wont to do. For whatever reason, there are several other theater companies which also have their offices in the building. One of them - Reverie Productions - runs a new play festival, and they called me and asked me (after getting my number from Pan Asian) to read for a play they have.

The biggest thing to draw from this, of course, is the business aspect. In the arts, you're told so much about your talent and about working on your craft. But in the end, when you want to make a living, it comes down to who you know - the personal contacts you gain as your career unfolds. These people become important because they will (hopefully) call you when they have projects that come up that you'd be good for, or if they talk to someone who needs someone that fits your description, they can volunteer you. Really, that's all an agent is - though an agent doesn't even have to like you to get you work. I'm sure it would help, but I'm also sure it's not necessary. You probably don't have to like your agent either, as long as you're getting jobs and getting paid (and thus, so are they). It probably wouldn't be the healthiest relationship, nor would it be fantastic for your career, but it wouldn't make any difference as to whether or not you were making a living. And I don't mean to say that talent and ability make no difference - even with a contact you do need to read or do whatever for whoever's in charge, just so they can see and make sure you fit - rather that it isn't really the most important factor. I knew plenty of people in school who were more talented than me, but I'm pretty sure I've done work that all of them combined, because a lot of them lacked the drive to really apply themselves and work to get jobs acting.

The play itself is ok. It's no Angels in America (but then, how many plays are); it's a cute play about these two people who fall in love, one of whom is an American ping pong player and the other being a Chinese ping pong player. It's set mostly in the 70s, with China just opening up again, and there's a number of cute little references to the differences between the two cultures. On the whole, it's a bit obvious, especially in terms of the whole, "Oh, if China were a democracy it would be so much better" premise, but I'm fairly certain that the playwright is not Chinese, so that's not too much of a surprise. That's not to say that the premise is wrong, simply that there's a lot more to it than just making the place a democracy. When the Soviet Union collapsed and Russia became a democracy, I'm not too sure that the citizens were better off immediately - even today, I really don't know if they're in a better situation. The same goes for the people in Iraq today - yes, they have a democracy. But aside from moral and intellectual platitudes, are they really better off today? Maybe, but maybe not.

I also have a bit of an issue with the fact that the American is male and the Chinese player is a woman, mainly because it's a stereotype (not quite the perfect term, but it'll server) you see continually in entertainment. It's ok for a Caucasian male to romance and pursue an Asian female, but how often do you see an Asian male paired romantically with a Caucasian female? Aside from stories of that Anna chick and the King of Siam - that includes musical versions and movies. I remember reading a comment - I'm pretty sure it was in a magazine article of some kind, though I can't remember which - that in literature and entertainment, the sexual power of Asian males ranks somewhere below Caucasian females and above retarded people. Asian guys just are not seen as sexy.

Can you tell I'm a little bitter about that? I suppose I am. It's just frustrating to always see the same type of roles over and over, to be asked to play that same character over and over. The solution, I suppose, is for Asian writers to write roles that are not these same archtypes - you see these efforts in recent movies like Better Luck Tomorrow and Harold and Kumar, and in the plays of David Henry Hwang - most of which you can only read, as they don't tend to be produced too often. In fact, I've never seen them being done aside from the original Broadway productions, most of which were in the late 70s and 80s. But for me, and for many other minority actors out there, it seems that the only way to get the role that you really really want is to write it for yourself. That's something I've been wanting to do for a long time, and which a couple people have asked me about/nudged me towards, but I keep running up against the same block: I don't have a clue what the hell to write about. Maybe someday I'll run into it, but for now I guess I'm stuck playing these roles.