First Steps

Watched Little Manhattan while doing laundry today. It's a cute movie, about an 11 year old taking his first steps into the world of romance. There's a bit in the movie where the kid has a little inner monologue about love that I found interesting, as he states his belief that love is about grand gestures; banners flown over stadiums, words on jumbotrons, letters spelled in the sky and such.

I found that interesting because when I was younger, I used to believe the same thing. Love was monumental, it was monolithic, it was this massive, angst-ridden undertaking. I used to dream up scenarios where I could prove my love to people I had crushes on (I was an intensely shy kid, given to fantasizing and day dreaming in idle moments. Well, I guess I still am that kid deep inside). It goes without saying that I never really spoke to any of my childhood/teenage crushes. Not in any sense that would have forwarded my romantic desires, at least.

As I grow older, I find myself coming to believe quite the opposite. Love isn't grand gestures at all; grand gestures invariably cost money, so all they prove is financial wherewithal - something which people may use as criteria for selecting partners, but which (one would like to believe) has nothing to do with that amorphous phenomenon we call love. It is, in fact, in the little things where love is found. It's in how you come to know exactly how she likes her tea made, how you can recognize that faraway look in her eyes or the distant sound in her replies when she's thinking of something else and not listening to what you're saying, it's in the way her presence comforts you without any words needing to be said.

Perhaps people will say that there's nothing in that that is eternal, that is lasting. And you know what? Maybe there isn't. Maybe love doesn't last forever. But you know what else? Maybe that's ok. Why the obsession with "till death do we part", anyways? Is it because people want to believe in it, want to believe in something greater than themselves, want to believe that love is more than just a evolutionary, socialized extension of the sex drive? Maybe saying, "I love you" in the heat of passion, in the heat of a moment is, in fact, the truest expression of it, greater than any calculated gift, a supernova of emotion that's very preciousness derives from the fact that it does not, can not last. I don't know.

Oh, and before people go thinking I'm just a cheap bastard, I'm fine with spending money; it's just that when I spend money, I want it to mean something aside from a dollar sign. Price tags on presents have never been a concern of mine; if it's within my budget and it's what I want to get, the best gift that I can think of, I'll get it. What's important is the selection process; I actually (this is somewhat embarassing) tend to keep lists about potential presents to get people. I hate getting "normal" gifts for people; if I'm going to get something for someone, I want them to know it came from me the minute they open it, I want it to mean something. Hence, the list; as the year goes by, usually I'll see at least a couple things that will trigger thoughts of a person, or we'll have a conversation where they happen to mention something they really like (or even something embarassing or amusing about themselves - these are gold). That's when I write it down, as (being a Bear of Very Little Brain) when the pressure's on and a birthday or other gift-giving holiday approaches, I can never think of any of these things.

Neurotic? Probably. Worth it? Totally.