Tuesday, September 20, 2005

What do I want?

So I sat and chatted with Stef for a while today - in the afternoon and later in the evening (though that was just pure chance - we got back up here at the same time and I saw her in the station).

First of all, she was upset because I went to her play, which I guess she wasn't feeling very proud of. We talked about that for a bit - I said I wanted to see a) her work and b) her. That seemed to mollify her a bit. I could understand not being happy with the production, but I said that as a fellow actor, I know what it's like being in productions you're not proud of...I know the things you, as a single actor, can't control around you. In situations like that, all you can do is take care of your own work and do the best you can do, which I thought she did. I think it all got smoothed out - the fact that she sat and chatted with me for quite a while longer seemed to indicate the same.

Anyways, near the end of the conversation she asked me, "What do you want from me?" It sort of caught me by surprise, mainly because that's usually the kind of thing you hear through sobbing tears just before a door slams in your face or the phone gets hung up. But in her case, she meant it as a straight up question. I've been reading up on Scorpios and Sagittariuses (is that the plural?), and I've read that they're both shockingly honest. I guess that was my first demonstration of that aspect of her. Anyways, I responded as best I could - that I didn't really know what I wanted from her yet, because I didn't really know her all that well yet. I didn't say that I was interested in pursuing something, because I figured that was sort of a given. She seems to be coming from a difficult place, and the last thing I want to do is pressure her into anything.

I really think (maybe it's hope...maybe it's a bit of both) she could be someone special in my life. I don't want to tell her yet because I don't want that hanging over her. If she's going to be with me, I want her to decide that...I hope I'm not making a mistake in not saying it to her. I don't think I am.

Friday, September 16, 2005

Well shut my mouth

So I guess I didn't scare her off...she just stopped by the apartment. Oddly enough, I had been thinking that someone who'd rang the doorbell an hour or so before she actually showed up might have been her...lying in bed. Then I got up, unable to sleep, and like 10 minutes later she knocks. We had a really good conversation. I think I came across as a lot less spazzy.


Thursday, September 15, 2005

Another month, another post

Working through the dog days of summer now...last couple of days have been disgustingly hot and humid.

Morty's will be continuing soon; Jimbo somehow ended up on the Apple site. I don't know how. Here's a few more links I've been surfing lately. The first webcomic...I think I got the link off of MacHall, and the Iraq one I actually got from one of my classes. It's so difficult to know what's really going on there, since no media can or will tell you what it's like. I guess those blogs could be being written with the express purpose of deceiving everyone who reads them, but let's hope they're not. Well, in a way that might be nice, because it would mean things over there aren't that shitty. But I'm pretty sure they are.

I've been thinking about whether or not to put this in this entry, because it seems like I always get way too excited about things like this way too early and they turn out to be nothing and I'm upset again. But anyways, I've sort of kind of met someone, though I'm getting sort of a weird vibe from her. It was good at first, but I honestly think I might have scared her off.

On some level, I know I should calm down when it comes to relationships. But I can't (is that won't?). When I meet someone and I like them, I want to be with them a lot. Is that so wrong? Apparently. I guess when (if?) it happens right, that won't be an issue. I feel like there's a lot I'm missing out on by being so crazy. But I don't know how to be anything but myself.

I always feel like when she asks me questions, I answer in the worst possible way. Not to say that I lie, I'm always honest, but I feel like I only say part of the truth to her. Like the other day, she asked me what I wanted out of a relationship. I thought about it for a bit, and said I wanted someone to love, who would love me back. Which is true. What I DIDN'T say, and what upset me afterwards when I thought about it was that I'm not LOOKING for that...if it happens, it happens. Until it happens, I'm perfectly happy to hang out, to have some laughs and some good times and, yes, generally make out and/or be intimate. But now I can't go back and SAY that to her (or can I?).

Anyways, shit like that is why I think I might have scared her off. We'll see, I guess. Fuck it.