For all the talk of self-awareness and nonconformity which I spout off at times, it is good (though embarassing and frustrating) to realize that I am not as intellectually independent or iconoclastic as I sometimes think. In general, being reminded of one's shortcomings it a humbling but valuable experience, one which keeps us from turning into Tom Cruise.
If there is anything I am guilty of, it is not giving myself enough credit. I have a spectacularly low level of confidence in myself, which (somewhat counterintuitively) leads to a high level of self-involvement. When you have a low self-esteem, you tend to assume that other people are unaffected by the things you do or the things you say; that when you're not around, other people live more or less the same life that they do when you are around. So you pull into your own little cocoon, assuming that people don't miss you, aren't thinking of you and certainly wouldn't want to hear from you. I've always been terrible at calling up friends because I always assume that people are out living happy lives, and if they wanted or needed to chat with me they would call me up.
It's so confining, and I'm so tired of it, but I'm at a loss as to how to really get beyond it. For the longest time I sought solace in relationships, or in the idea of a relationship, in the idea that getting someone to love me meant justification and legitimacy.
In retrospect, it's a terrifying thought.
Still, I suppose we all go through phases. And yet here I am, saddened to find that I am still that same odd little kid inside. There has to be a way out of this. There has to be. I just need to keep telling myself that.
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