Random Ruminations

"Life is full of meetings and partings. That is the way of it."
- Kermit the Frog as Bob Cratchit, Muppet Christmas Carol

Is that the way of it? Is that all there is?

Love. There, I wrote it. Typed it, whatever.

Anyone with half a brain knows: romantic love does not last. Does not, can not, will not. But that tells us nothing about what is, about what a relationship that lasts looks like. Is there even such a thing? Are monogamous relationships nothing more than a societal construct? Perhaps even finding its roots, as I seem to recall reading or hearing from some sociologically-inclined sources, as an economic arrangement? What then?

The mind is strong, but the body is weak.

On the one hand, you know that companies sell you a branded version of Love. This is what Love looks like, smells like, tastes like, and this is what it costs. You know this. You know this is bullshit. And yet, it is so deep, it is so ingrained in you that you find yourself longing for it, longing for a shadow of a false dream. But, like all humans, you are arrogant. And so you believe that you will be different, that you can be better, that you can find a way to rise above that, to forge a "true" relationship with someone.

Everyone lives their life believing that they are unique, that they are special, that they are the first ones to think all these deep and wonderful thoughts racing through their heads. And then one day they wake up and realize: wait - scratch that - reverse it. Nothing is new, everything is old, there is nothing you can do that hasn't been done already by people both dumber and smarter than you. Or they don't and they live their lives not realizing just how small and insignificant they are. Either or.

Is life, is love, nothing but a series of meetings and partings? A sharing of the ways for a certain period until the two of you are ready to move on, until you have gained as much from each other as you are able to and so must inevitably dissolve into a separate nothingness or a meaningless togetherness, going through the motions of a McRelationship?

And even if that is what life and love are - is there anything wrong with that? Is it merely my own failing to grasp that concept, to wrap my mind and soul around it and truly make it mine? Is my instinctive rejection of that life an involuntary reflex that I should tame? Or is there something deeper, something - dare I say it - human that cries out, that pushes me for more even though I am certain that 99.99% of the time it does not work out, no matter what people say about how happy they are in marriages.

No-one gets out of a marriage alive or happy.

Moments, moments, moments, slipping through my fingers. Every moment can live forever, if you want it to. I try to believe that. Life leads you to experiences, to moments, when you are ready for them. I do believe that.

I didn't realize how much of an effect reading Rilke had on me until a week ago, when I was sitting out among the stars in New Mexico, and all the thoughts, all the responses and all the musings I had were inspired by him, by the things he had written all those years ago. And yet - what did he have to show for it? Married, fathered a child and then abandoned wife and daughter, running off into Europe to find - what? What was it that he struggled with, why could he not bring himself to stay? Was it this fundamental truth? That love is impossible, is fallacy, is nothingness? A nothingness that against all his rational being, he wanted and wished for, with every fiber of his being?

Jesus, I haven't even had anything to drink.