Something Else

There is something I have been aware of about myself for some time that I haven't written here. Come to think of it, there are plenty of things I think of that I don't write here; that's my personal choice.

I am a needy fuck.

I hate that about myself, and I don't know how to change it. In some ways, I don't want to change it; it's like that episode of ST:TNG where Picard is given the chance to go back and change this one event in his life, and he finds out that the repercussions of changing that one act alter his entire mindset, to the point where he lives a boring, passionless existence.

Fuck off, quit laughing; I watched that episode today and it's good. Anyways.

I need people. I need them to pay attention to me, I need them to like me. And when I don't get that, I hate. I hate intensely, though typically momentarily until I can rein myself in. But I do. It's there. And I'm not quite sure what to do about it. Does everyone get that way?

Is it right to feel these things? Is that even the correct qualification? For is there such a thing as a right or wrong feeling? Actions matter more, right? I mean, if I feel these things and I'm aware of them but I don't act on them, that means something, right? Or maybe I should be acting on them, maybe to be truly honest to myself I should just become a raging, destructive bastard.

Yeah, that sounds attractive.

I grow old...
I grow old...
I shall wear the bottoms of my trousers rolled.

Posting this is an action, is it not? It means something, doesn't it, even if it's some weird fucked up passive-aggressive thing. I don't even know if that's what this is. I don't know where all this has been coming from, but it's been an odd storm of battering away at my keyboard. I think it's done, it feels done.

It's passionate, but does that make it honest?